Ingredients of Love

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Our correspondent in Korea, Coco Solid (see blogpost below) also runs an agony cousin advice blog,,
where she drops gems like this on the regular: "I treat office politics like a dancefloor, sometimes I wanna shine - sometimes I'm cool sitting against the wall having a drink and saving my energy."

Here's an excerpt from a recent post, after a chef-dating Auckland waitress wrote in for advice.

Love on the boil

Hi Philosoflygirl,
We had a big family function the other week, lots of people came and my boyfriend's parents stayed with me & my boyfriend.

I went to bed while he and his parents continued talks late into the night.
I woke up and could hear them talking - and my boyfriends mother was telling him that she thought he was happiest when he was going out and working with his last girlfriend...See, his last girlfriend was a chef, and he is too, they were in a big restaurant making lots of money. Since he left her and has been with me, he is about to start his own business and things are financially hard, and I work in a cafe in town so its not like I make much, so together we aren't as rich as what he was with his last girlfriend and can't afford as many luxuries... but I know I support him in his dream, so we can work together one day in our own restaurant that we can own someday...

This has been upsetting me, cause I work hard and help him in his dream to be a chef on his own, and it hurts to hear people think he's better off working back in the hotels. I haven't told him what I heard, but its hard to speak out against someones mum...

Do I tell him what I heard?
Thanks Philosoflygirl...I hope you can help me...
Freemans Bay, AK.

Whut up girl.
That can easily sound like a tough one.
The good news is its not. I'm about to lay it on you girl so listen up.

Think of it like a 3 layered cake... well a gâteau really. There is your boyfriends completely new direction which is meeting inevitable resistance. Then there is his mothers opinion. The base (and the most important layer) is you. You secretly know you are bringing something less conventional but potentially amazing into his life, it just aint cooked yet. (Booya I get to abuse my food analogy licence, thanks Mere).

We have a saying in my family c/o of our good friend Jodhi Hoani.
"Even Maui had haters". This is especially poignant because it was Maui's own brothers who doubted his fishing abilities. Then he fished up Aotearoa. SHAME.

If the over-heard conversation is upsetting you (and I'm thinking its actually the comparison to his trusty ex that made you insecure) you can definitely tell him. Just be sure to tell him in a way that reinforces the commitment you have for his grand vision. Its pointless to be defensive, critical or lashing out at his mother or his ex. What will that prove? Keep it positive and be the hype-man.

I think you should simply take the classy zen ground and remind him why he chose you to ride shotgun for his slightly edgier future. He aint with his ex anymore so own it. Be as open and supportive as you want him to be when you share what has been bothering you.

And peace out on his Mum. The doubters will eat their words AND your mans incredible food when you dish it up to them yourself in a brand new restaurant. "How do you like them lightly sautéed apples!"



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